Dr John Tregoning (JT) and Dr Charlotte Tregoning (CT) discuss roadblocks and
solutions to equality in childcare.
We have as a couple, tried and sometimes succeeded but most
often failed to share parenting fairly. Drawing from our own experience and a
very shallow skim read of how to books, here are what we consider to be some of
the major problems to equality at home as two working parents and some possible
solutions. This is not to say every parent should go back to work; do what is
best for your own family, but remember to be honest with yourself about what
you really want and include yourself in the “what is best for my family”
calculation.
What society wants
Since the introduction of split parental leave in the UK in
2015, only 1% of fathers have taken it (based on 2015/16 figures). Why is this?
Societal expectations are the major barrier to equality in childcare (in 2014 –
33% of people thought mums should stay at home compared to essentially 0% who
thought dads should stay home: the flipside 73% thought dads should work full
time and 28% thought mums should work full time – but only after the kids go to
school). Going against the societal norm is tricky and requires reserves of
energy, time and self-belief that you are doing the right thing. When the right
thing is also difficult and financially unrewarding these reserves can be
depleted, eroding your will.
JT: ‘Ooh, hairy knees, we don’t
see them often’, thus began, and ended my time as a stay at home Dad. I was at
baby-rhyme-time at the local library, failing to sing along to any of the
songs. The librarian looked scornfully at me, made passing reference to my aforementioned
knees and then ignored me: I in turn never went back. But societal pressures
are only part of it. Staying at home with a small child sucks. It is both
boring and difficult, with the attendant loss of identity from Dr Tregoning to
Jamie’s Daddy. I did one whole week on my own and even with considerable
grandparental support that was frankly enough. I was glad when Monday morning
came around to be back in my lab.
CT: It took me till my son’s 9th
birthday to openly admit my struggle with societal expectations for me, as the
mother, to be the main care-giver. I had always given the reason that due to
financial pressures I ‘had’ to go back to work. What I can admit now, but couldn’t
when I first had children, is that I always wanted to go back to work. It was
easier and less guilt inducing to say that I ‘had to’ rather than I ‘chose to’
– even to myself! That it was my choice has not made the endless juggling act
easier, and has sometimes made reaching out for help more difficult.
It’s the economy, stupid
The
average age in the UK to have children is 29. Often at the point of conception,
fathers and mothers are on equal salary and have equal status. But the early
30’s is a time of logarithmic career acceleration; within the timespan of the maternity
leave, major promotions, partnerships and pay rises can occur, which can make
the childcare vs income maths skewed towards the parent not on leave (most of
the time the father). This can be exacerbated by the arrival of a second child,
essentially putting the stay at home partner back by 3 or more years (including
the time it takes to adjust from work to stay at home back to work again). Taken
as a single data point it makes sense if parent A is earning more than parent B,
then parent B should stay home. But it needs to be considered over life time
earnings.
CT: In her book, Lean in, Cheryl Sandberg describes
childcare costs in the same light as university fees, an investment in future
earnings rather than being viewed as a one off cost and in the long run women
who return to work earn more than those who take longer breaks. We invested in
childcare so that when the children were older I still had a career. 9 years
and 2 children later, I have not only caught up with my husband financially but
have actually overtaken him. You don’t need 15 years of academic and
pharmaceutical training to mush up vegetables and then watch the same vegetable
mush being thrown across the room. But as a professional the skills, networks
and kudos you have spent those years developing are easily lost.
JT: This year, for the first
time in our working lives, my salary is less than Charlie’s. People have asked
whether it makes me feel emasculated and unempowered. The truth is that it has
been liberating. I have colleagues who are the sole bread winner, exponentially
increasing the pressure of failure at work. I on the other hand have a fall-back
position, if it my job collapses, the mortgage will still be paid and food will
still be on the table. This has given me creative freedom, and actually made me
more productive.
Bring balance to the
force
So what can be done?
1)
Stop maternal gatekeeping. CT: Allow dad to do things his way - let him be in charge and
organise the day – even if it distorts the whole schedule that you have spent
weeks carefully putting in place. It is frustrating, annoying and I have had to
walk out of the room when he has got cross after our 8 month old rejected food that
I would not eat myself (pasta with bisto – a
classic). Even if it goes against social norms
of the mother being the one in charge or child related matters, shared
ownership and decision making in childcare empowers both partners to do more
childcare. JT: An analogy – I don’t like
doing the dishes, getting told I am doing it wrong does not encourage me to do
it better next time, it induces the phrase ‘well you *** do it then’. The same
applies to childcare, there is basically no right way to look after kids, so if
I have to be in charge, it will be my way!
2)
CT: Expose your husband
to the ‘fun’ of full time parenting with a baby for a sustained period. Leave
the baby with your husband for a week and then he will hopefully really ‘get’
what it is that you do all day! This was a revelation and turning point for our
relationship, John did not want to do childcare full time and therefore never
expected me to.
3)
JT: We are all
selfish. Level the playing field so no one feels they are sacrificing too much.
Test yourself against these thought experiments to test how equal your careers
are:
- You are offered a dream role in a new city, but taking it would put your partner out of work…do you take the job?
- Your commute is ½ hour long, your partner’s is 1½ hour…do you move?
- For one intensive month your partner has to work long days to finish a project and you have to do 90% of the childcare with a negative impact on your job…do you take the hit graciously?
So
far, so easy? But now shrink the margins – the difference in commute is only 15
minutes, the unbalanced childcare extends to 2, 3, 6 months. Who gives first,
whose set point is lower, to whom should it be unbalanced? Like salaries, the
snap shot is probably misleading and career balance should be viewed as a
career average rather than a single point in time. This does have an
implication, if your partner took at least 6 months off as maternity leave, you
will probably have to swallow the odd solo bath time! Removing friction can
help here, big holidays are nice but using that money to get someone else to
clean the house means fewer arguments about the dishes that neither of you want
to do after a long day.
4)
Pay dads more! The 2nd
six months are expensive. At the moment, the paternal part of shared leave is
only covered by statutory pay by most companies. This makes it economically
unviable for many families. We should learn from Scandinavian countries; where parental
leave is shared in the fullest sense with full pay for a year, to benefit all
of society.
5)
Finally, guilt is a
wasted emotion. There will always be compromises in the choices you make, and
it is not possible to give 100% of your time and ability to being both a mum
and a professional. I feel guilty at work for not being at home and guilty at
home for not being at work. This is normal and unavoidable but doesn’t help me
do either job better. JT: I confess that I
too feel guilt (I have pretended to Charlie that I don’t). But it is a worse
kind – when I take time off to be with the kids I feel like I should be at work
which takes away from the fun of being with them. Turning the phone off helps.
In conclusion, we are in no way saying that having both
parents work is best, what we are saying is that for those of us who choose
this path, it would be nice if it was a bit easier. We believe there are ways
of making it more straightforward with more productive and happier workers and
parents. Ideally, there would be less
pressure on mums to stay home and not work; but equally importantly there
should be more support for dads who want to be involved in raising their own
kids.
